Nothing to live for....?

I know it's been a while since I last wrote on here, but I've been pretty busy with work and personal issues. One of which is what I'm going to talk about now...sort of. This week has been pretty depressing and confusing for me.
I have a friend whom witnessed a friend of hers commit suicide. And another friend of mine caught her husband attempting to commit suicide. What drives someone to that conclusion? I know this is an extremely touchy subject and I'm in no way trying to offend anyone or make light of the situation. It is a very difficult and serious subject matter. I just, personally, can't seem to understand why or how someone comes to that particular decision. I understand life is difficult and everyone goes through things differently, but when does it come down to a point where you feel as if you have nothing to live for anymore? What goes off in your mind or wrong in your life that life seems unlivable?
My friend Lisa's* friend Tina* was having a difficult time. She had just lost her youngest child to a drive by shooting and she was just at her wits end over it. She has 3 other children, but the lost of her youngest, her only daughter, tore her apart. The oddest thing for my friend Lisa was that she felt angry that Tina would do such a thing. She had 3 other children; did they not matter? The other kids were just as angry; they felt like Mom didn't love them. I kind of understand Tina's possible thought process of her actions; things were, to say the VERY least, wretched. But what I don't get is was the wretched portion so horrible that it drastically overshadowed the good in her life; her other kids, her fiance, life in general?
My friend Lauren's* husband, Mike* was the happiest guy you'd ever meet. He was funny, smart, a great friend, even better husband and father. No one knew he was having a hard time, at least what we can only assume was a hard time. He had a great job at a promising company; had even just got promoted. He had his family. He was an avid volunteer for kids in foster care and in hospitals. Mike was a great guy who had so much to live for! What was the straw that broke his back and made him give up?
Maybe these questions will never be something that I will understand, but they're definitely something that I think about, especially now with all my friends going through it. I'm sure I'm not the only one either. I could be fishing for something that I don't necessarily want the answer to because it relates to people I care about, but that's also the reason why I'm questioning. Is there really an actual answer? I'm sure the are different reasons for every person, but wouldn't the underlying emotions and feelings possibly be the same?

Where was I?!?!?!

Do you ever look back over a certain year or time of your life and wonder where you were when that time was passing? I recently came across this evaluation of my life for the years 2008-2009.
I have another blog on a different website where I post about entertainment, everything from books to movies to music, etc. On this other blog, I recently posted about NKOTB coming back to the airwaves(when I say recently I mean 3 days ago). Now, NKOTB officially came back in 2008...why am I late with the news, you ask?!?! Because my life from 2008 to late 2009 was a HUGE blur and HOT mess!
I was unfortunately in a relationship with someone that, to say the VERY least, was not good for me; we dated from 2007-2009. During this time NKOTB, my favorite boy bad in the entire world, came back to regal their fans with new music, concerts, etc. However because I was so idiotically wrapped up in my relationship with this person, I completely missed out.
I came to realize this recently when I was talking to a friend of mine who went to one of NKOTB's concerts in 2008. I was ecstatic to talk to her about going to their NKOTBSB concert in DC in June and I was patiently awaiting the response I thought I would get from my fellow BH(BlockHead--NKOTB fans)...but to my surprise she had a response of 'been there done that'. So while I'm reiterating to her the HUGE news, she asks me why I'm so excited about something thats been going on for about 3 years!!! And then she basically proceeded to say, "You're always up on entertainment info...WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?" (NOTE: Huge fail for me on this one LOL!!!) I was stumped for a response to her! I had no idea how I had missed so much!
Then a few days later, I started to really think about it when it clicked! I WAS IN A DRAMA FILLED, RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT I WAS SO STUPIDLY STILL PURSUING AT THE TIME!!! I had thought that I was so in love with this person back then that I had wrapped myself and my life around our "relationship". I had lost my connnection with the rest of the world, with myself. I was so focused on pursuing and keeping someone that, at the time I didn't see was so wrong for me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm an independent woman...I'm not the clingy, needy type that this may be sounding like. But when you think you're in love with someone or you're so focused on something whether it be a significant other, a hobby, a goal...it kind of takes over...especially love because it deals with emotions that you mostly don't have control over.
I've since, of course, removed myself completely from this other person and have been single and loving it! I go on dates every now and then, but I like doing me; meeting new people, focusing on what I want to do in life, starting these blogs, staying up on the hobbies and activities I enjoy, etc. I've even come to learn more about myself when it comes to relationships or even just friendships; like what I really want, what I'm willing to tolerate, etc. It's funny how much you can learn about yourself from something that at one point seemed so right but ended up to be so wrong.
What did you miss out on in life when you were preoccupied with something else?
P.S. Late or not...I AM excited for NKOTB!!! ;-)

What does it mean to LIVE?

I was working out in the gym the other day and saw this woman on the treadmill. She had the most jubilant and approachable expression on her face that kind of struck me, so being the extremely social person I am, I decided to get on the treadmill next to her and talk to her after we said passing "hellos" to one another. Her name was Crystal* and we began talking about everything that came to mind, without getting too personal of course, and then we came across a topic that kind of stumped us both. What does it mean to really live? I'm sure this question has been asked many times, but does anyone ever really get an answer or even come to a satisfying conclusion? I'm sure you're wondering how two complete strangers got on such a deep and thought-provoking topic. Well, Crystal and I exchanged the general information about one another; names, where we're from, what we do for a living, etc. Then we started to talk about our work out goals and Crystal mentioned that she felt like she wasn't living...that working out made her feel like she was doing something other than working and routine tasks. Now, Crystal works for a very prominent travel agency, is a GOD fearing woman, has been around the world not just for work but for pleasure as well (she had actually just gotten back from China!), has great friends that go out with her on weekends quite often for a good time, a seemingly wonderful boyfriend, etc. So I started thinking, while she was telling me these things, her life is 1000 times better than mine at the moment(and most others as well) yet she still feels as if her life was not the epitome of living? What the heck are the rest of us doing then? LOL. Crystal and I went our separate ways after working out and on my drive home I started to wonder, if a woman like Crystal, who seems to be living a pretty good life to me, could feel so stagnated in her life...then what does it mean to live...what does it mean to have a life that feels like a gift to live everyday?I know spiritually that answer is in the Bible, but what about generally? Does everyone have a different view on what it means to really live? To consider yourself to have a fulfilling life? What is it defined by? Longevity? Age? Experience? Love? Is it a personal perspective of each individual? Please comment on what your thoughts may be.

**This blog only reveals my opinion and passing thoughts or questions. It is not meant to be offensive or to be turned into a something it's not.**
*--Name has been changed.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

So i just finished "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Zane. I really liked it. It was so real and a little different than most of her books. It incorporated her usual erotic segments between characters that drive readers wild, but this book also had a lesson and good story to tote as well. The characters Brooke and Damon and their toxic relationships, that they were in with other people, really impacted me in a way I didn't think it would. Damon's relationship with his wife Carleigh was picture perfect if Carleigh wasn't so demanding and inconsiderate of Damon. Damon is the type of man a woman like me looks for every day, a woman like Brooke wants to love for eternity. Brooke's relationship with Patrick is the typical story of different classes clashing when emotions become involved. I'm not saying that different classes in society can't fall in love and stay that way. I'm saying that it depends on the people that are a part of the relationship and how they take the different classes between them and either confront them head on and just let it be a part of how they met instead of the basis of their relationship that destroys them. As far as Brooke and Patrick went, they fell under the latter category. Brooke and Damon met after a freak tragic accident that changed both their lives. They fell in love, tried to resist because of Damon's marriage and Brooke's baggage, but in the end love won over all. This book really made me think about my life; relationships, my view on love, etc. I've been going through a lot with this certain guy, we'll call him Craig, that I'm in love with and he's in love with me, but he's with someone else. He and I dated for 3 years, it was an amazing relationship. We had talked about marriage, kids, futures, everything. I moved away for a year and it was really hard for the both of us, even more for him I found out later on. He dumped me Valentine's day weekend by saying that he couldn't handle the distance and that he cheated on me. Now I know most of you are like "He cheated, get the hell over it. He doesn't deserve you. etc, etc." However, him cheating didn't bother me. I know that if circumstances were different meaning if I hadn't moved and we weren't so far away from each other that it never would have happened. To continue with the story, he started to date the girl that he cheated on me with(We'll call her Petunia) and they now live together and have been dating for 2 months. They're relationship is toxic like Damon and his wife Carleigh in the book. Petunia doesn't respect Craig nor do they love each other. Craig has said many times that he wants to be with me, but he's afraid of hurting Petunia who has been his friend for a couple of years. Petunia has ruined Craig's relationship with his friends, his son, some of his family, etc. She has belittled, disrespected, and treated him like crap. He's a trophy boyfriend to her; she loves someone there not necessarily him. She loved the manipulative games she got to play to get him, she loved the chase, she loves the idea of winning the "competition" over his exes like me or over all women in his life including his son's mom. She's not interested in him, she's interested in causing drama which she has done all along. He realizes some of this, but he's stuck. Other things he doesn't realize because she hides it well and no one has told him as of yet. Anyway, this book has put a new fire under me with my own personal situation. I really enjoyed this book and encourage anyone to read it. Please come back and let me know what you think. What is your opinion on the novel? Has it impacted you in any way?